just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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