Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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