gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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