If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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