i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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