i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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