I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Welp...herpes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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