Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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