I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
