she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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