I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
