I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
