I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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