He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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