Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
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I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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