I CAN MOONWALK!
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
