umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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