Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
