OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
