The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
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I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
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I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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