Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
