Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just gargled with NyQuil
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
