his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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