I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
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