I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
