So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
