I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
