I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
