and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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