i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Who died my cat blue again?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
