I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
