Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
how do you play pong handcuffed?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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