Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
