my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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