how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
