You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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