when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i dont even know how to be here
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
