i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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