In the future we'll all be gay
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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