I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
