I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
