I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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