She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
