How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
