I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
