she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
