You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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