it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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