omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
