Buhtt sex?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
