my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
how does that bad decision feel?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
