She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
