Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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