dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
