I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
