Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
