Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
